this shit is rlly scary to talk abt and i was gonna stay silent unless i had reason to beleive anyone was in danger , but with things have played out i feel i can get this off my chest - nano engaged in sexual roleplay with me when i was 16 and they were 20 . this wasnt a headmate situation either - this was directly nano . nano directly talked to me , i directly addressed them by name , there was no headmate fronting here . This was nano .

the next three paragraphs correspond to the screenshots , in order .

i had confided in a friend about what had happened . i felt immensely guilty at the time because i was the one to initiate it and thats part of why ive kept it to myself for so long , i felt like i was responsible for nano doing this shit with me . this friend told me that nano had been doing the same thing with her , but supposedly had moved past it all . i was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of confronting nano but with them still interacting with me constantly , i had to eventually . it was too mentally taxxing to not .

i confronted nano , explained my mental situation , and asked for an apology . looking back , i very much regret doing this . i was only 16 , and i kept shifting the blame off of nano and onto other things because i didnt want to face the reality that i had been groomed again . it happened to me when i was 15 and i was so so scared of it happening again . i was far too kind in my initial dm and it does not reflect my current thoughts .

while at the time , nano's apology felt sincere , i still never stopped being afraid of them . since that day ive remained mutuals with them and interacted with them , and while some may point to this and say , "you still talked to them ! you cant have been that badly affected !" , i'd like to give more context about how i deal with situations . i am incredibly conflict averse and usually try and do whatever i can to avoid it . i'm also very susceptible to "fawning" - when victims activley interact with their abuser for fear of what'll happen if they don't , as a way to try and cope and make the abuser seem less scary to them , etc . that's what i was doing .

recently , over the last months , i had began thinking of going public with this . the more i read my own message to nano the more i see just how much i downplayed what had happened to me . the more i read nano's response the more the wording irks me - the use of the phrase "i couldn't hurt a fly" specifically cuts deep . because i should've known thats not true . nano Could and Did hurt people ! like me ! and in my own mind i had began to realize that no matter what instigated it , nano was still more than willing to participate in conversation of fetishes and kinks , and activley enjoyed participating in sexual roleplay with a 16 year old . it was on them to stop that from happening . not on me .

there were quite a few reasons i never spoke up about this , one being how long it took me to realize that i shouldve never even taken that apology in the first place , but one big reason is that i had seen how nano reacts to stuff like this being public . while i Hate what they did to me , i do not want someone's suicide on my hands , and seeing how volatile nano was at times scared me . and if it wasnt going to be threats of them committing suicide , i was shit scared of nano leaking all of the dms of sexual shit i said at 16 . sure , there's nothing directly horrible or gross and i didnt fear that id get judged and shunned by my friends because of something i was into , but it was just such and embarassing thought . I haven't done anything similar to that kind of roleplay Since this happened , and everytime i look back at it i cringe and wince . it's incredibly scary to know i could have my privacy breached , intimate details exposed , and that i could be embarrassed like that .

i had decided in my mind that i wouldnt be public about this unless it was confirmed to me that nano had not in fact stopped this predatory behaviour . today's events couldnt say that any more clearly . im sorry for any spelling mistakes left in here , i frantically wrote this at 1am on my phone . i need to move past all of this .

ive excluded any direct screenshots of me or nano saying anything sexual , because nano admits to having sone this with me in the third screenshot . though , for clarity's sake , i will reply with a few messages of nano being flirtatious and sexual towards me .

@ellie well done ellie, so proud of you fir speaking up

im sorry i Cant write alt text for this even copy and pasting it in makes me feel so fucking gross

@ellie

please don't ever feel pressured to provide an image description for something like this - it shouldn't be your responsibility to make sharing your story about something like this accessible. it's hard enough to share it.

and thank you for doing so.

@ellie nano wtf.

@ellie I am willing to write alt text if you would like me to

as one final thing to add on , i want to throw my two cents in the ring on the discourse around this as a victim of nano's :

do i beleive someone can have headmates that are younger then they are ? yes . Do i beleive that would excuse someone from something like this ? ABSOLUTELY NOT !!! i dont know why the consensus here is either "no thats stupid plurality isnt real" or "no that excuses nano of this" neither of these things R True n while the first one is just disrespectful the second one is Beyond understanding to me . if u looked at this situation with any inkling of nuance instead of making uneducated guesses , rage takes , and excuses out of thin air you'd come the same conclusion .

and also - cant fucking beleive im saying this - stop saying "trans girls calling their partners sister is a big plot puppeteered by predators to groom everyone" Listen to yourself . That is the most insane sentence ive ever heard . instead , criticize the way these people normalize sexual depictions of underage characters to coax their victims into thinking whats happening to them is ok because That is a real thing that happens ! it happened to me when i was 15 ! dont go round saying these insane things that have no relation to what has happened to people nano victimized . focus on what victims have to say before u throw your completely unrelated conspiracy theories out there like theyre fact

RE: https://yearning.gay/objects/46c90db6-115b-47e1-ac75-3703f69a35ca

@ellie oh god, that last message was a fucking flashbang. I'm so sorry you went through that :(

@ellie what a disgusting person :/

@ellie who is saying that, I will FIGHT them

@ellie jesus im so sorry you had to go through this :(

@ellie so sorry that you had to go through that ellie :< very brave of you to speak out about all this

I especially concur with the point that its on the adult party to not engage in anything like that, anything else is victim blaming

@endali @ellie i agree.

@ellie That’s totally awful what the heck I’m so sorry this happened to you… You’re very brave for discussing it,,

@ellie i don't know if i wanna boost this because i don't know if you would be ok w that, so i won't. instead, i want to tell you: it's not your fault. healing from this isn't going to be easy, but there is a way out. i say it as a cs harassment and abuse victim myself.

stay safe, ellie.

@ellie *(Saw this via a common friend who can vouch for me. Will share who privately if you like)*
I'm going to address one part of what you've written and do so as a much older, experienced adult. It is to reassure you and to help you & others understand more.
Staying in contact with an abuser is common. It's a way of monitoring the situation in hopes of protecting yourself, even if it puts you more at risk. Not knowing what they're up to is terrifying. It takes time, a lot of courage & even more strength to be able to stop. Don't criticise yourself for the time you took to get there. Recognise how far along the process you are. *(For everyone-ever find yourself doomscrolling trying to assess danger? Similar thing.)*
Those of us raised as girls/women are also conditioned to manage the emotions of those raised as boys/men. Which makes it doubly hard to break off contact when we know they'll react with anger, manipulation, whatever their dangerous pattern is.
I've been physically safe 18 years and haven't had contact with the man who abused me (I refuse to own him through language like "my abuser") for a decade. There was physical violence but the psychological abuse was more frequent and worse. It is still very much a trigger.
From that one of my maladaptive behaviours is if my danger flags are set off by a character/situation in a television series, I *have* to finish it. I'm not in actual danger but it won't leave my brain until I've seen it through. It's that same monitoring for danger thing. Seems silly eh? All I can do is try to avoid, understand, take care of myself.
Hopefully this will help you & others understand a bit more of why it's so hard to break contact even though we need to. You've got this